Life in the deep end

Wow, it's been a really long time since I've even logged into my blog. My life in recent weeks and months has been turned upside down and shaken. I have been doing a lot of soul searching, praying, reading, questioning....with not a lot of answers. The matters that are affecting my family are very personal, and nothing I would ever expose here, but I need to get how I am feeling off my chest. I feel so lost, just wandering through life. I have realized I have not been living life, but just existing. I have detatched myself somewhere along the way, so I don't feel pain, or rather, anything. I can say that my family makes me truly happy, but there's always the trials we are facing in the back of my mind, waiting for a moment where I stop and look around to distract me and get the negative thoughts spinning. There are moments when I feel like this is all a bad dream, and that I just know when I open my eyes it will be over. I will awake from this nightmare, from the fear, anxiety, the unknown. But it's not. This is real life. As real as it gets. At times I feel helpless, like we can't see the light, because I don't even know where the end of the tunnel is. I have never held onto God and my children this much before, and that is what keeps me going. I have to be strong for them, and if anything, I know God and speak to him more now than ever. I prayed in the past for more understanding of His will for my life, for a closer relationship with Him, for stronger faith, more patience. I assume through climbing this mountain, that I am receiving all of those things from Him. Funny how life works. Recently while reading Job, I had many revelations. I feel much the same as Job did. Which makes me feel worse at times. I am really trying to not ask "why me?" God obviously knows my husband and I are strong enough to get through these times. I sometimes underestimate myself, but it's hard to think of yourself as a strong person. I just need to let go and fully surrender the situation to God...although I have prayed and wholeheartedly tried to do that, it's hard as a human to not have fear, especially fear of man. Hopefully the busy day laying ahead of me will lift my spirits....on to my son's school to help get things ready for his "Family Fun Night". Have a great Thursday everyone!

Psalm 27:1  The LORD is my light and my salvation -- whome shall I fear?

Joshua 1:9  Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Finding peace in chaos

(Matthew 11:28-30) "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. {29} "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. {30} "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

I wish I could climb in there for a while  :)

For the last couple weeks, well months really, I have been extremely busy. I am finding it harder and harder to get away, for some quiet time alone. I wake up earlier than I would like to in the mornings, get the kids ready for school, drink a cup of coffee, get the baby from his bed, feed him and change his diaper...then there's the laundry, cleaning, and whatever else needs to be done during the day. At night I am usually refinishing furniture, making Chandler's backpack is ready for the next day, etc. I am tired. I know my "to do" list is only going to increase when we bring our adopted child(ren) home.

But I know that one day the kids will be grown, or not want to spend time with me, not need me (as much) as they do now. I know I will look back on pictures and remember how hectic things were, how little sleep I got, and that I will miss it. I will wish I had little ones under my feet while cleaning the bathrooms, a baby climbing into the dishwasher trying to "help" me. These are the thoughts that get me through the day. Also Jesus Christ. He didn't dwell on finding "relaxation time", or taking a nap. He knew his time here was short, as all of ours' is, and he made the most of it. That hit me like a ton of bricks driving home from my mom's house yesterday. I had been telling her that as soon as my children are old enough to go, that we are going to take them on mission trips. Her face looked bewildered, and she said, "to other countries??" And I realized that most people might think that the idea is a crazy one. But we don't know how long we have here on earth, and we need to spend our time focused on what God wants us to do. Most of us get caught up in the every day life, driving our kids around to activities in our minivans, pulling up to our little corners of suburbia, locking our doors, and if we're lucky, eat dinner together as a family. I don't want to look back on the years spent raising my children and have only those memories. I don't want my children to be self-absorbed...I want them to know how lucky blessed they are to have air conditioning, almost as many toys as a toy store, "name" brand clothing, being on a sports team, having colleges to attend, food always available, etc. I want them to see firsthand how other people live. How, by being so blessed to live here, that we have the ability to help, witness to, and bless others. We have the means to teach them about Christ, fill starving babies' bellies, build schools...I want a hand in those things. I don't want to just hear about others at my church going and making a difference. I want my family to make one, too.

(Isaiah 54:13) All your children shall be taught by the LORD, And great shall be the peace of your children.



Have a great Wednesday everyone!

Visions of cottages danced in her head...

I don't know why, but lately I have had the urge to rearrange every room in my house, paint walls, furniture, and anything else I can get my hands on. (I usually do this on average every two years and it drives my hubby crazy!) :) I wonder why I can't just let it be and learn to live with something for longer. Our oldest son's room has been changed three times since we've lived here over the last five years. Our daughter's has had two different themes as well. Our bedroom has been changed three times, but I'm finally happy (for now) with the way it looks, although I am going to paint the dresser that has actually remained to stay in one spot this whole time. Our living room used to be a dark red, which I grew to hate because that room does not get wonderful lighting, and we have brown sofas. My husband and I painted three of the walls a light tan/cream color, leaving just an accent wall left. My wonderful hubby is, as I type, painting that wall now to match the rest. I have been looking at so many white/neutral rooms lately, and I L.O.V.E. them! I have always liked cottage style, but never took the leap and did it. Now I want to change our couches also, but that has to wait for now. They're beautiful, but I just want a more casual look in the space. I will post pictures when the room is done tomorrow, after me attempting to rearrange the furniture FIVE times in the last two weeks. Try as I may, the room's traffic flow and ackward wall space just makes it downright difficult to find something I like. In the meantime, here is my powder room, the most recently finished room. I would still like to replace the mirror, and do tile...oh, and get a toilet paper holder that stops falling off the wall (thank you, new-home builder!)... but I guess God is trying to teach me patience!

I'd rather have my hands full than empty...

What a week it has been! I have been more than busy, but am loving life right now! At the beginning of last week I did a furniture makeover for the first time all by myself! I am pretty proud of myself. I needed more storage for my kitchen and have been wanting a hutch. What's a girl to do when she has no extra money for it? I got creative using my old childhood dresser and a $10 hutch top I got from Craigslist.

First I painted the dresser. Here is the before:

I used a light green paint that we had from other projects. Then I sanded and glazed it with Valspar Mocha Glaze. I got the idea from one of my favorite bloggers, Traci at Beneath My Heart.

Here is how it turned out!

The hutch top we got was badly in need of some help...but I knew how pretty it could be:

Using a drill for the first time:)

Ta Daaa!

Once I get hardware for it and poly it, then I can accessorize. I can't wait, especially since Easter is coming up!

On another note, we have been attending our adoption classes for the last two weeks now. We have gotten a mix of responses from family and friends on our decision to adopt. We already have three biological children, so many of them think we are "crazy". But we are doing what God is calling us to do. We may be young, but we have the room for more, and we love kids. Every child deserves a family. It breaks my heart to hear the stories that these babies go through. We have applied for a single child or sibling group, and we know for sure that we want a girl in the mix. Our daughter is anxious for a sister, and talks about it often. The decision to adopt is a long story. When I met my husband, he said he didn't want any children. When I got pregnant at 18 with our first son, it was a shock to say the least. It was a huge lesson in life. After our daughter was born two years later, we thought we were done. Needless to say, that changed and now we have our second son, who in my eyes is a miracle baby. We were for sure done, since I had a hysterectomy when our youngest was only eight months old. We had discussed adoption before, but my husband was adopted and was always very against the idea. He also never really knew God. At the beginning of this year, after many prayers from me, God changed his heart. For some reason, I looked on the Texas foster care website where they list the children waiting for adoption. There was a little girl on the site that for some reason tugged at our hearts, and we ended up going to an adoption information meeting. Deciding that "it just wasn't the right time", we threw away the information packet that we received and tried to put the idea on the back burner. No matter how I tried, the thought kept creeping back. We prayed about it for months, and it became clear that we were being called to adopt, whether it was in our comfort zone or not. 

Now here we are, almost a year after that first meeting. We are more than excited, and the classes we have been attending have made us understand and examine the way we parent even our biological children. It definitely has been a growing experience, and we have enjoyed getting out alone together. :) You have to find alone time when you can, right?! We no longer feel that we have to defend our feelings and decision. WE are our own family now, and we know that we are doing what we are supposed to. It's a wild ride, but that's what life is all about! 

First Post... :)

After months of reading others' blogs, I decided that I wanted to do one also. We have a lot going on right now, and sometimes we get too busy to catch up with everyone. This will be a good way for family/friends to stay in touch and updated on us, and also our journey through adoption. I hope I don't have too hard of a time trying to figure this out! I hope you enjoy! :)