Wow, it's been a really long time since I've even logged into my blog. My life in recent weeks and months has been turned upside down and shaken. I have been doing a lot of soul searching, praying, reading, questioning....with not a lot of answers. The matters that are affecting my family are very personal, and nothing I would ever expose here, but I need to get how I am feeling off my chest. I feel so lost, just wandering through life. I have realized I have not been
living life, but just existing. I have detatched myself somewhere along the way, so I don't feel pain, or rather,
anything. I can say that my family makes me truly happy, but there's always the trials we are facing in the back of my mind, waiting for a moment where I stop and look around to distract me and get the negative thoughts spinning. There are moments when I feel like this is all a bad dream, and that I just know when I open my eyes it will be over. I will awake from this nightmare, from the fear, anxiety, the unknown. But it's not. This is real life. As real as it gets. At times I feel helpless, like we can't see the light, because I don't even know where the end of the tunnel
is. I have never held onto
God and my children this much before, and that is what keeps me going. I have to be strong for them, and if anything, I know God and speak to him more now than ever. I prayed in the past for more understanding of His will for my life, for a closer relationship with Him, for stronger faith, more patience. I assume through climbing this mountain, that I am receiving all of those things from Him. Funny how life works. Recently while reading Job, I had many revelations. I feel much the same as Job did. Which makes me feel worse at times. I am really trying to not ask "why me?" God obviously knows my husband and I are strong enough to get through these times. I sometimes underestimate myself, but it's hard to think of yourself as a strong person. I just need to let go and fully surrender the situation to God...although I have prayed and wholeheartedly tried to do that, it's hard as a human to not have fear, especially fear of man. Hopefully the busy day laying ahead of me will lift my spirits....on to my son's school to help get things ready for his "Family Fun Night". Have a great Thursday everyone!
Psalm 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation -- whome shall I fear?
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
.JPG)
