Low Blow.

This is very difficult to write. I hate feeling sorry for myself. But today, I feel the need to ask for prayer. For understanding, and support. For the last month I have been having pain, extreme emotional swings, and breakouts. Josh and I knew something was wrong, and that I needed to get an ultrasound. I was scheduled for one at 9:30 a.m. this morning. The results took me by surprise. I have three hemorrhagic cysts on my remaining ovary and have to take birth control to try to shrink them. I have never had three of this kind before. It is terrifying to me. These type of cysts are the reason I no longer have my left ovary, and had to have surgery last year. For more on that story, go here. I feel so alone. Yes, I have my wonderful husband and parents to talk to, but as far as friends...I am at a loss. I have no one else my age to express this anguish to. I know I have been blessed with three beautiful babies, but it is extremely gut-wrenching to have future biological children taken from you at such a young age. I don't wish I was pregnant right now, but if Josh or I should want that in the future, it just couldn't be. It breaks my heart. I know it is in God's plan, and like I said before, I do not like feeling sorry for myself, I am scared. I am scared for my kids and husband. They should not have to be put through me getting regulated on hormones before the normal age, or maybe having another surgery. I keep thinking about little helpless babies with cancer, or women who have never been able to carry or deliver a baby. I feel silly for even thinking that what I've gone through is hard. BUT it is. My chances of having ovarian cancer are much greater than the average person. I will most likely have to be put on hormones earlier than average, and I am missing two-thirds of my female organs before the age of 25. THANKfully, what I'm experiencing is not life-threatening, but I would like to ask for prayer for myself and my family. Have a great Thanksgiving!

-Lindsey

Thank You For Not Smoking

Sunday night I decided to quit smoking. I have quit with all three pregnancies, and it was pretty easy because I was doing it for my baby. So this time, I realized I still am doing it for them. I want to be around for a very long time. It is like a bad breakup. Like that relationship you have that you know isn't the best for you. The person you know you don't want to spend the rest of your life with...but you don't know how to end it. So you wait around for years until you've had enough, you can't make excuses anymore. The negatives finally outweigh any positives, which, are really delusions anyway. I will admit, the first day was scary. I felt like a toddler wanting candy and having to tell myself "NO!" a hundred times over. I was extremely emotional, and cried off and on all day. I felt like I was losing it at one point. But I had a glass of wine, watched my fave show DWTS, and realized I was okay. And that I CAN do this! Yesterday was much better, since I had ten loads of laundry to distract me and keep me busy. And by this morning, the cravings are almost gone. I come from a long line of smokers. I want to break the chain, and would feel so guilty if I continued on smoking. Chandler has asthma, and I would only smoke outside, but even just the smell can make an attack worse. He learned a couple of years ago just how bad smoking is for your health, and turned into a walking *truth ad. It took me a long time to get here. I knew I would one day, and I'm so happy I've made it! Please pray that it continues to get easier for me! Have a great Wednesday!

Tick Tock...

I feel like screaming. This whole adoption "process" can hardly be called that lately. We finished our classes in early March. Why hasn't our homestudy even begun???? Why are those kids STILL in foster care when they should be here by now?? I am done sitting idly by, we are taking this into our own hands and going straight to the organization that handles them, in their city. We really need prayers right now, I am an emotional wreck this weekend, and cannot wait until tomorrow morning to make the phone call. Please pray for our family and those children. It's going to be a long night, I'm thinking of doing some Christmas decorating to get my mind off of everything.

Slacker

Now that it's been almost a month since the Halloween party I threw for the kids, I guess I can finally get around to posting it here. :) We're pretty big on Halloween around here, and the kids were totally excited to do this, I had been throwing the idea around for a couple years.

It was a lot of fun, I wish I had had more time to go more "all out", but two birthday parties in September wore me out!

Doe, a deer, a female deer

I remember finding out that Josh was a hunter. I made him watch Bambi and had an hour long conversation about why I felt it was wrong. He ended up "winning" the conversation, and I decided to go with him one year to see what it was about. Needless to say, my mind was forever changed and hunting is now something I look forward to doing every year.

I would say 95% of the meat we eat is venison. It definitely took me a couple of years to get used to. It doesn't come as nicely packaged as chicken breasts or nice bacon wrapped filets. Aside from that, the smell and taste is very different than what I grew up eating. I had no idea how to cook it, and it's very hard to find recipes that my whole family will eat. Most venison recipes are a lot of the same, and I prefer a lot of different meals. So, I use venison in a lot of recipes that call for beef, I just season the meat first. No one knows it's not beef until I tell them. So, I figured that since I found it hard to find a good variety of recipes, I would post recipes that our family loves. And trust me, I cook for some of the pickiest eaters around. Tonight I made a new one and even my daughter ate all of it.

Pan Sausage with Bowtie Pasta in Vodka Sauce

ingredients:

1 lb. venison pan sausage (2 lbs. work too if that's how you process it)
Worcestershire Sauce
Garlic salt
Italian Blend seasoning
1 pkg. Bowtie pasta
1 jar Vodka Sauce (I used Emeril's)
1 diced tomato

1. Brown sausage in Worcestershire sauce, garlic salt, and Italian seasoning. Drain.
2. Add Vodka sauce and diced tomato to sausage.
3. Cook pasta following directions on package. Add to sauce and stir until blended.

You could also add shrimp, onions, etc. Venison pan sausage tastes similar to Italian Sausage in this dish...so yummy! I always use Worcestershire Sauce on venison, it gives it more flavor and keeps it from drying out.

Thankful

I already have so much to be thankful for this month. My grandmother was hospitalized for a week at the end of October, and got to come home around Halloween. I am so blessed to still have her and my PaPa, and I love watching my children make memories with them.

After their wedding 59 years ago

Nana with her granddaughters and great-granddaughter

PaPa at Kali's Mario Kart party :)

Nana and Trent last Christmas

Trent's first time playing piano with Nana

I am also thankful that our dog Brooklyn is getting better. She has been sick with an infection that caused her to stop eating and drinking. Josh was having to force-feed her every day. She just started eating on her own today.

Brookie smiling :)

Every night we say the blessing before dinner and then go around the table saying what we're thankful for. The kids love doing this and I've noticed it's helped them be more positive about their day and life in general. I pray that they can keep a grateful spirit in a society that is so focused on more, more, more. Since it's getting close to Thanksgiving I'm going to do a little something with our "thankful fors" every day...pictures to come! What are you thankful for? GOD is good!

marching on

Lately as we get closer to having our homestudy started, my heart has been heavy. Well, not so much my heart as my mind. My selfish, doubtful, human mind. The one that worries what others think. The one that can't see the other side of this mountain. The one who doubts itself to do God's work and do it well. I have been praying constantly about this, repeating "Jesus" to myself when I start to feel anxious, worried and overwhelmed.

Then this morning I saw that Katie in Uganda wrote a new post on her amazing blog. And every time I read her stories of what God is doing through her, I feel rejuvenated. If she can do what she is doing, which is far scarier, messier, and trying than the road I am walking....then I can definitely do what I have been called to do. I know those three children that have lived without a permanent mother and father for years, are OURS. I cannot allow the enemy's thoughts to leak inside my head and fester there all day long. I feel a new excitement, I feel more love for them than I ever have. I want them home with me, I want to see their faces, hold them, tell them they will forever have a family. No matter the contrast of our skin color, no matter that I am only 13 years older than the oldest, no matter that I have no idea how to raise a teenager, no matter that I have three children already! LOVE is to be multiplied, our biological children are excited, they don't see skin color, they are loving, welcoming, accepting kids. My husband and I are walking the most difficult road we have ever been down. And at times it feels we are walking with blindfolds on. This process sometimes seems to take forever, and we don't know anything about the future. We don't know how we are going to do it. But HE will do it through us. I have felt a peace and energy this morning that only HE can bring me. I want to be set on FIRE for HIM, I want to live for HIM and I am marching on in HIS name! Have a great Tuesday!

 ‎2 Corinthians 12:9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

--Lindsey

tonight

I will:

Watch all my recorded shows under a warm blanket.

Be glad for the cold front we got last night.

Gladly show Josh the good note Chandler brought home from school.

Smile about the kids singing their blessing song before dinner.

Wish I had made a better dinner than corn dogs for them. I just didn't feel up to it.

Try not to think about the many times I felt like crying and pulling my hair out strand by strand.

Feel relieved about the grocery list being done and ready for tomorrow.

Look forward to shopping for fall stuff tomorrow.

NOT think about the mountainS of laundry I still have to do.

Try to forget that Trent ate dog food for his snack while I was cleaning up the porch.

Not feel guilty about not getting all the chores for the day finished.

Convince myself that I will one day look back and miss these times full of tantrums, diapers, and nap refusals.

--Lindsey

Mario

Tomorrow is Kali's Mario Kart birthday party, and I can't wait! Even though I am a procrastinator and still have a ton of stuff to do and feel sick today, I'm sure it will turn out awesome. I have had to be creative with this, there's not a whole lot of stuff for the theme, but it will definitely be original. And those always make the best parties. I will post pictures tomorrow, and will probably send them to a party blog to see if I win a birthday party contest. Kali's little "boyfriend" from preschool is coming, she is going to die when she sees him, she says they're getting married. Her father doesn't like this. :)

Now I guess I'll go take some medicine and pray for energy and feeling better! LOTS to do!

--Lindsey

Jesus loves me, this I know...

This post might make some people uncomfortable. That's okay with me, I just feel like it needs to be written. Children are the most special to our Lord. He loves them and can reach them on a level of innocence that is not often reached with adults. Most people find salvation before they are adults. Yet, so many children don't know who Jesus is. As Christians, it is important to instill Christ in our children's every day lives. He should be the center of the family, and therefore it is our responsibility to teach our children about Him. It is easy in the age we live in to allow only our church to teach our children about Him on Sundays, but if we don't show them that we rely on Him every single day, then how will they? We could all strive harder to do this, no one is perfect. Josh and I have by the grace of GOD have done a wonderful job so far, even though at times it boggles my mind at how much Chandler understands. He has "known Jesus" since he was 5. He tells his friends at school about Him, prays before every meal, and of course talks about Him quite a bit. He often comes home from school telling me about friends that don't believe or know Him. I tell him the best way I can to educate them and tell them how He has changed his life. And it is amazing to see his lack of fear or rejection. He walks right in and tells them. And never in a way that seems force able, aggressive, or judgemental. He is such a great kid, I am excited to see what God has planned for him. We have discussed baptism, and although he is very clear on what it means, he is afraid of being put under the water. I told him when he is ready that God will be also.

Educating our children and talking openly about Christ to our kids has really helped in our adoption process. They have been taught since they could understand that there are children in our world that are much less fortunate than they are. We donate clothing and toys, and talk about what it would be like and feel like to be one of those children. Our kids have been very receptive to adoption, and are excited about gaining new friends and family members. I would love to encourage you to always keep Christ in conversations with your children, and in your every day lives. Being a Christian is sometimes mistaken as being boring. God loves who you are, He made you that way. But He wants you to be YOU, only the better. He designed us with different personalities so we can meet and change others' lives. We all sin, not one of us is perfect, not even close. We all fail, we all do things we know we shouldn't. But when we let those shortcomings come between having a close relationship with God and Christ, we sell ourselves short. We have ONE life. A very short life...and our kids will be grown in the blink of an eye. What are you going to leave behind?

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Peanut, Miss Mae, Sissy, Princess, Baby Girl

Five years ago today I was laying in a hospital bed taking a nap once my epidural kicked in. I was so anxious to see your face. And unlike my previous labor, I was prepared and relaxed. I laid in bed talking to your grandmothers. Your great grandmother (Nana) was in the delivery room with Daddy and Mimi when you came into this world. You hold a special place in her heart and share her middle name. When you were born they didn't put you on my chest...you had the cord wrapped around your neck twice. I remember those seconds feeling like hours as they tried to get you to cry. When I heard it, I cried just as hard.

 You were gorgeous, just like I had pictured you would look, with a thick head of hair that stood straight up :). You were very alert and had so many visitors your first day in this world. Chandler was such a proud big brother, kissing you, holding you, wanting to help feed you, and occassionally poking your eyes. Your cry sounded like a cat, never like a baby, and you ate insane amounts of formula. We were living with Mimi and Paw Paw, waiting for this house to be finished. So that was your first home, until you were 8 weeks old. You fit right in, and slept through the night on your second day home.

You have always had a magnetic personality, and light up the room.

 You make friends easily, learn things so quickly, make everyone smile, and love life.

 You love pink, smiling, dancing, singing, art, having painted nails, shopping, dresses, your red glittery shoes, chocolate, doing things on your own, flowers, Dora, horses, music, baseball, and Jesus.

 You are determined and know what you want more than most people that are older than you.

We love your big smile and silly laughs.

You will always be our princess, and I am so lucky to call you mine.

We love you more than words...I can't wait to have cupcakes when you get home today! Happy 5th Birthday Baby Girl!





Around The House

It's been a great week around here. Always count your blessings!

Little things

Our dishwasher has been broken for two weeks now. At first I hated it...doing dishes by hand for a family of 5 was not fun at all. Not that is now, either. But we have saved $80 this month just from not running the dishwasher for a couple of weeks! It makes me realize how much we do as "shortcuts" that actually create the same amount of work somewhere else-in this case paying a larger bill. Since the kids are in school now, the dishes aren't too bad. I was doing two loads a day in the dishwasher, and now am handwashing three to four loads, but I think it's well worth the money saved! I think our dishwasher will stay non-working for a while. Have a great Wednesday!

--Lindsey

No more babies

Trent turned two this week. I love watching him grow, but it's harder for me to see him get older because he is my last baby. I don't know what I will do with myself/my time next year when he goes to preschool. I have never not had a child at home with me, it will be interesting I'm sure.

We have a mini family celebration at home on the kids' actual birthdays, and this year my awesome neighbor who my kids call Granny, brought over a coconut cake. It was delicious!

Yesterday was his birthday party. It was Dr. Seuss themed, and it turned out really good!

Yogurt Parfaits

He got increasingly cranky through opening presents and pictures. His mouth is blue because my mom was giving him M&M's to get him to cooperate :)

Even more angry that people kept taking pictures

Happy Birthday Trenty-boo!! You make me smile every day, I love spending every second with you! You are our silly baby that loves to be tickled and make everyone laugh with your dancing and funny faces. We love you!!!

Life lately

Chandler started school this Monday. Where has time gone?? And how am I the mom of a FIRST grader? It seems like yesterday that he was a tiny baby napping on my chest, and now he won't hold my hand or kiss me while walking into his new classroom. I am so proud of him...being a young mom I had doubts about the kind of job I would do raising him...I had no clue what I was doing. But I must be doing something right -- he knows God and loves Jesus, even telling his friends at school about Him. He is giving, loving, loyal, brave, charming, and smart. He makes me smile every single day.

Kali started her last year of preschool at our church today. She has always been our laid back child, going with the flow...until today. She FREAKED out about going into a new class. But when I picked her up the first thing she said was "I had SO much fun!". She means the world to me. She is an artist, she is sensitive, caring, gentle, animated, and genuinely loves life. She has a smile that lights up a room, and everywhere she goes it seems people gravitate toward her. Her voice and laugh cheer me up, and she loves when everyone is happy. Every single day she draws, colors or paints. Every. Single. Day. And her stuff is awesome! Unfortunately my scanner isn't working right tonight and it won't let me load pictures on here, but maybe soon I can. I'm going to do some research on finding a children's art class for her to go to and make some things to put in the house. My baby girl is getting so big!

It was so quiet here this morning with only Trent home so I packed him up and went to my mom's. Josh met us there later because he was working in the neighborhood.

16You didn't choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. 17I command you to love each other.  John 15:16-17